Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Death and Peace

On the morning of June 8, 2009 I got a phone call that devastated me.
My grandpa Neal had passed away suddenly earlier that morning. He was 86.

He was out in his neighborhood putting up the widows and other elderly folks' garbage cans like he did every Wednesday morning. He came in and was a bit shaky, my grandma asked if he felt alright and he said not really. He sat down, took his hat off and my grandma went to kiss his forehead. He turned his head to the side and was gone. Just like that.

My grandma had forgotten 911 and so she drove up to my mothers(she lives like 1/4 mile up the road)and got her and my BIL. They got to the house and my BIL called 911. They knew he was gone though and didnt pursue CPR nor allowed the EMT's to do it either once they got there. It was just obvious his spirit was gone and they didnt want to disturb his body by trying CPR.

I was blessed to have my hubby there that day because of a drs appt that kept him from going to work. I cried and he held me and we started making arrangements to get there on Friday.

*I want to say that after the funeral and speaking to my mom and sister we realized how the higher power had really worked some magic in making everything happen just for that one event.*

My mother and I havent spoken since November. My sister Bryton and her family were visiting mom and popped down to visit me and my boys Tuesday afternoon. Total shock as I havent seen any of them in like 2 yrs. Then Wednesday....grandpa died.

My sister and her family werent supposed to be at moms for another week but my BIL's work switched up and they came early. My mother was to work that morning but she decided to take Wednesday off as my sister was planning to leave Friday and she wanted more time with them. So, because of these funny little occurances, these shouldnt have beens...my sister and her hubby were there to help mom and grandma get through that day. My sister, who is newly pregnant and quite sick, dealt with the mortuary while mom comforted my disbelieving grandma.

Friday afternoon came and my family hit the road and made it to my grandmas. She was in shock, as well she should have been. She just couldnt believe he'd leave without saying goodbye or allowing her to do it. She was told by myriads of people what a blessing it was he went quickly and didnt suffer. Im sure sometime in the near future that will totally sink in and she'll realize it to.

Saturday was his funeral. It was lovely. The mortuary kept things flowing nicely. It was hard, I didnt want to go to the viewing, didnt wanna see my grandpa like that but when grandma got to the door she saw him and nearly collapsed. My mom, sisters, and I braced her and helped her to a chair to sit by his head. Family came, cousins and my aunt and my grandmas sister who is sickly herself...all came. Friends from their branch(they are LDS) came and honored grandpa. Some came simply to help cook lunch for the family members(for after the burial).

As they called on us to say our final goodbyes before the lid closed my grandma insisted we all kiss him. I could not do that. I could not kiss a shell, so instead I whispered in his ear that Id see him next time, as I had my hand on his shoulder. If you could have seen the desperation in my grandma's eyes then you'd understand how hard it was to not kiss him, she sooo wanted everyone to but I just couldnt.

They even found young ladies to watch my 3 boys during the viewing and funeral service so they wouldnt be too disturbing. That was very helpful.

There were a couple of nice talks by my cousins and my BIL(who idolized my grandpa)did his eulogy. He and my grandma were married for nearly 68 yrs....now you can understand why this is so hard for her. Thats a long time to be together and to have that taken so quickly...hard.

We went to the gravesite and watched as the military honored my grandpa for his service in WWII(Navy). My grandma got the flag and my cousin said a prayer dedicating the grave(LDS custom).

We went and chatted with relatives we hadnt seen in forever, introduced my cousins to my husband and sons as they'd never met. Had a nice lunch.

The sadness was thick in the air. You could feel that life was just different now and normal was a thing of the past.

My grandma, who is so strong, is still in a bit of shock and is very sad. We worry about her so we are all gathering to keep her strong from our various points in this planet.

As for me...
Im sad. I know my sadness is weak in comparison to my grandma's(and probably my moms too)but its there. I dont feel like doing anything, I dont feel right. Somethings off and I realize its cuz grandpas not nearby anymore. I cant go visit with him or chat with him on the phone. The world is just a wee bit emptier now.

I know in my heart and soul that he is in a place and our circle isnt broken...we WILL meet again. I feel that peace in my entire being.

However, there is a part of me that is completely mortal and I miss him. I will miss him forever even as my life slowly returns to some kind of normal. I am sad, I dont like that his body is in the ground...that just about killed me, seeing his grave the day after the funeral. I said a few more things to him, like that I knew he wasnt there anymore but it was still hard to see his grave but our circle wasnt broken and we'd meet again. That I knew he knew he was loved very much by us all and that we'd miss him.

Its such an odd sensation, being at peace and knowing yet having this mortal experience and know that you will miss him and you are sad and you feel so "off". Thats the best word I can use to describe how I feel. Listless and "off".

My grandpa was a wonderful, caring man whose death should show that because he died right after doing a good deed. One of a trillion he did in his lifetime without expecting anything in return.

This is not the end grandpa....only a seperation til we meet again! Ill forever love you.