Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Nowhere To Go But Up...Right?

So another blow came our way Monday(well technically Sunday). Dans unemployment ran out. There could be an extension but there is some law that deals with extending unemployment and health benefits(like COBRA),etc sitting in the Senate waiting to be passed. However, our wonderful lawmakers have decided its best to let it sit while they vacation and fuss over other things.
Meanwhile, families like ours have nothing. We now have no income whatsoever and no matter how many resumes and applications I fill out or Dans filled out we get no callbacks.

State might help but last time they didnt give us enough to pay all bills necessary so odds are good they'd give us about the same amount which still leaves us not able to pay rent,etc.

So now, we have no income and nowhere to turn really. We will probably lose the house(thankfully we just rent)and have to sell off a good chunk of what we have to get money to move and pay a few things.

We hope Dan is able to get on disability and that should help but it might take a while to get anything...who knows.

So boulder number XYZ has fallen on our shoulders and we are buried but trying to find the bright spots.

Like today, Devinn peed twice in the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets see what happens next shall we?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Not Defined By A Negative

There is so much to say and so many thoughts rambling in my soul and my brain that I figured I needed to write it down. Hopefully it will calm not only myself but perhaps others in similar situations.
Dans health has been on the decline for a long while now. Started with his back and then a couple weeks ago they found a shadow on his chest xray. So the drs ordered a CT scan and found numerous small tumors throughout both lungs and big ones in his lymph nodes(in lung area). They also found a lesion in his liver. They didnt think the two were related. They ordered an MRI to be sure of what the tumors were.

Once the MRI was done they still had no idea on the small tumors in his lungs because they were too small for the MRI to get a good pic of. However, the lesion they thought was nothing serious turned out to be cancerous. When he had the CT it was about 8mm(think thats what it said)but a week later at the MRI it was 3 inches by 3 inches so it had grown quite a bit.

Next week he will have a biopsy to confirm the cancer and see how bad off it is,etc. They are also gonna send him a letter with an appt for a pulminologist to see what the tumors are in his lungs. This Saturday(6/12)he will have a bone scan to see how bad off his back is. See during the MRI they found he had nerve closure and two of his vertebrae were basically bone on bone, the disc sac was gone. So his back is even worse then before and they are gonna do a bone scan to see how his bone density is and all that jazz. He's also getting another spine xray done today.

So this is where we are at. Both Dans parents died relatively young(mom-53, dad-mid 60's)from various cancers so it runs heavily in his family. He already feels like its serious enough he wont be here much longer.

I hope to high heaven he's wrong but he hasnt been so far and that scares me. I have this calm deep within me and I dont know why or where its coming from but its there.

Dont get me wrong, doesnt mean Im not terrified because I am, but for some reason there is a calmness or stillness within my soul that all will be well no matter what actually goes down.

Our adventure together is not over and even if his spirit leaves this world our adventure will continue. We have 3 sons together, that doesnt just stop cuz one parent is gone. He will always be a part of our lives and thoughts and actions.

Fears are a natural part of life, just like breathing is. Fears are important because without them we wouldnt understand or recognize strength.

I know this and find solice in that because I know there is always going to be a positive coming from a negative.

I have these fears that seem silly and worthless in the face of unknowns but are there nonetheless so I face them.

*I worry that I will end up living with my mother and I absolutely cant do that!
*I worry that Ill never have sex again. Now isnt it silly that I worry about that when it should be the last on my list of worries? I worry I wont find that intimacy again and I worry that I wont have it much longer as this illness finds its way through my husbands system.
*I worry that Ill be a widow before age 40 and be raising 3 small boys all alone.
*I worry because I count on Dan for answers about boys and how they act and perhaps why they act as they do cuz I grew up with sisters so my family certainly cant help in many ways. Generalizations sure but not boy specific things cuz they dont know.
*I worry and actually feel a bit guilty about not knowing how to tie a tie so I wont be able to teach my sons how to.
*I worry about people saying "told you so" or "this is what happens when you dont live a Christian life". I dont want nor need that but I feel it coming and I know some will think it even if they are smart enough not to say it to my face. I KNOW my family is thinking all the trials Dan and I are facing are because we left the LDS church.
*I worry about doing Dans final things...like getting death certificates,etc.

See, these are some of the thoughts that cloud my thinking, silly yet probably pretty darn normal. I even plan on taking notes from Dan after we get the final diagnosis on whats up. That way I will know how to do certain things when the time comes or at least have an idea.

Dans one of the smartest people I know and I value his input. I plan on having him write a journal as well about his feelings on things going on. Not to mention I want him to do one so his boys have a record of his life experiences and something in his handwriting.

So much coming our way and all the while we have to worry about stinkin' money cuz neither of us can get work and we are just about out of unemployment and such. No answers, just lots of unanswered questions and worries.

I know someday the clouds will part but its hard to see that when they seem to only get thicker and thicker.

No, its not fair...but nothing in life is and nothing in life should be fair. How are we to learn and grow if everything was fair?

We cant, its that simple(to me anyway). What can we learn from any given situation? What strength and knowledge are we gaining by going through the mud? What beautiful pearl is waiting for us under that mud? I dont know but I intend to find out.

I appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers coming our way. Strength is gained daily because of it and it will never be dismissed or poo-poo'd.

For now, Im gonna stop. I cant think of anything else to say but know there will be more of these as thoughts and fears and bright spots cross my path.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Death and Peace

On the morning of June 8, 2009 I got a phone call that devastated me.
My grandpa Neal had passed away suddenly earlier that morning. He was 86.

He was out in his neighborhood putting up the widows and other elderly folks' garbage cans like he did every Wednesday morning. He came in and was a bit shaky, my grandma asked if he felt alright and he said not really. He sat down, took his hat off and my grandma went to kiss his forehead. He turned his head to the side and was gone. Just like that.

My grandma had forgotten 911 and so she drove up to my mothers(she lives like 1/4 mile up the road)and got her and my BIL. They got to the house and my BIL called 911. They knew he was gone though and didnt pursue CPR nor allowed the EMT's to do it either once they got there. It was just obvious his spirit was gone and they didnt want to disturb his body by trying CPR.

I was blessed to have my hubby there that day because of a drs appt that kept him from going to work. I cried and he held me and we started making arrangements to get there on Friday.

*I want to say that after the funeral and speaking to my mom and sister we realized how the higher power had really worked some magic in making everything happen just for that one event.*

My mother and I havent spoken since November. My sister Bryton and her family were visiting mom and popped down to visit me and my boys Tuesday afternoon. Total shock as I havent seen any of them in like 2 yrs. Then Wednesday....grandpa died.

My sister and her family werent supposed to be at moms for another week but my BIL's work switched up and they came early. My mother was to work that morning but she decided to take Wednesday off as my sister was planning to leave Friday and she wanted more time with them. So, because of these funny little occurances, these shouldnt have beens...my sister and her hubby were there to help mom and grandma get through that day. My sister, who is newly pregnant and quite sick, dealt with the mortuary while mom comforted my disbelieving grandma.

Friday afternoon came and my family hit the road and made it to my grandmas. She was in shock, as well she should have been. She just couldnt believe he'd leave without saying goodbye or allowing her to do it. She was told by myriads of people what a blessing it was he went quickly and didnt suffer. Im sure sometime in the near future that will totally sink in and she'll realize it to.

Saturday was his funeral. It was lovely. The mortuary kept things flowing nicely. It was hard, I didnt want to go to the viewing, didnt wanna see my grandpa like that but when grandma got to the door she saw him and nearly collapsed. My mom, sisters, and I braced her and helped her to a chair to sit by his head. Family came, cousins and my aunt and my grandmas sister who is sickly herself...all came. Friends from their branch(they are LDS) came and honored grandpa. Some came simply to help cook lunch for the family members(for after the burial).

As they called on us to say our final goodbyes before the lid closed my grandma insisted we all kiss him. I could not do that. I could not kiss a shell, so instead I whispered in his ear that Id see him next time, as I had my hand on his shoulder. If you could have seen the desperation in my grandma's eyes then you'd understand how hard it was to not kiss him, she sooo wanted everyone to but I just couldnt.

They even found young ladies to watch my 3 boys during the viewing and funeral service so they wouldnt be too disturbing. That was very helpful.

There were a couple of nice talks by my cousins and my BIL(who idolized my grandpa)did his eulogy. He and my grandma were married for nearly 68 yrs....now you can understand why this is so hard for her. Thats a long time to be together and to have that taken so quickly...hard.

We went to the gravesite and watched as the military honored my grandpa for his service in WWII(Navy). My grandma got the flag and my cousin said a prayer dedicating the grave(LDS custom).

We went and chatted with relatives we hadnt seen in forever, introduced my cousins to my husband and sons as they'd never met. Had a nice lunch.

The sadness was thick in the air. You could feel that life was just different now and normal was a thing of the past.

My grandma, who is so strong, is still in a bit of shock and is very sad. We worry about her so we are all gathering to keep her strong from our various points in this planet.

As for me...
Im sad. I know my sadness is weak in comparison to my grandma's(and probably my moms too)but its there. I dont feel like doing anything, I dont feel right. Somethings off and I realize its cuz grandpas not nearby anymore. I cant go visit with him or chat with him on the phone. The world is just a wee bit emptier now.

I know in my heart and soul that he is in a place and our circle isnt broken...we WILL meet again. I feel that peace in my entire being.

However, there is a part of me that is completely mortal and I miss him. I will miss him forever even as my life slowly returns to some kind of normal. I am sad, I dont like that his body is in the ground...that just about killed me, seeing his grave the day after the funeral. I said a few more things to him, like that I knew he wasnt there anymore but it was still hard to see his grave but our circle wasnt broken and we'd meet again. That I knew he knew he was loved very much by us all and that we'd miss him.

Its such an odd sensation, being at peace and knowing yet having this mortal experience and know that you will miss him and you are sad and you feel so "off". Thats the best word I can use to describe how I feel. Listless and "off".

My grandpa was a wonderful, caring man whose death should show that because he died right after doing a good deed. One of a trillion he did in his lifetime without expecting anything in return.

This is not the end grandpa....only a seperation til we meet again! Ill forever love you.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Its Finally Over...

my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that is.

It took 2 years but someone finally pulled their head out and completed the paperwork for us.
All it took was a sarcastic letter to my supposed visiting teacher(who only sent photocopies of the months lessons and not even a handwritten note from her...ya way to care lady).

But its done, we are officially O U T and Im at peace. I was a bit nervous and felt like something had been untied from around me for the first day but now...well I still feel like something was untied but Im at peace.

Its a nice feeling but I realize it will be a stab in the heart of my entire family if they find out not only did I leave the church but got my name removed as a member as well. They will never get it and all hell would break loose Im sure but its my life, not theirs.

Thankfully, they arent talking to me really at this point so that wont be an issue and Id probably never bring it up anyway. Now lets hope the church doesnt take it into their own hands to try and get me back by telling my family.

Ah well, next phase of life is continuing w/o the church and its strings.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Best of Times, Worst of Times...

Well on Monday was our middle sons 3rd birthday. It was simple but nice, way I like 'em LOL. He got a couple of stuffed Disney items he saw in the store and wanted and I made him a red velvet cake with a big number 3 written on it in sprinkles(green).
His uncle and aunt and cousins got him a Mickey Mouse see n say and a musical Little Einsteins toy...he loves them both.

Then Tuesday, life went to hell....
Dan woke up shaking and barely able to walk or breathe. I felt he was warm so knew he had a fever but it didnt seem overly bad. He refused to go to the hospital or have me call his brother but he relented cuz he wanted me to let his brother know that he wouldnt be able to fix his car that day. But I, of course, told them what was going on and they said to call if I needed them.

Well around 630am I told Dan I was going to take a shower and if he was still off or had gotten worse I was calling his brother back and we were going in. He half nodded and I went and showered.

I was gone maybe 15 mins max and when I got back he was on fire and unable to open his eyes and just kept mumbling NO and WHY a lot. He wouldnt respond to me at all. I immediately grabbed the phone and ran to the bedroom to call his brother(didnt want the kids in a panic cuz they were up and running). I was panicked and near tears when I called and he said they would be out and on their way in under 5 mins.

So I paced for the next 30 mins or thereabouts(his brother lives about 20 mins away on the other side of town and with rush hour traffic took a bit longer than usual). Dan wouldnt open his eyes just kept mumbling NO and WHY and when I talked to him he called me MOM. He then proceeded to call me MOM(should note his mom died 11 yrs ago) and when I said she wasnt here he got into a conversation with me in the midst of his delirium. He asked where she was and I said HEAVEN. He said no she wasnt and I said ok where is she then and he said she was right next to him holding his hand and he moved his hand out reaching and grasping "hers".

Of course, I freaked because when very sick people see dead relatives its not usually a good sign.

He kept mumbling for a bit and when Id talk he kept calling me mom but I had to keep him going so I knew he was still breathing,etc.

At one point(and from this point on I might get the order a bit mixed up but not what he said and did) he called for his mother and I said, again, she wasnt here. He said she was and I asked where and he said the kitchen. He was with her and she told him he couldnt go with her, that he had to stay here. Imagine the thoughts running through my head at this point and me trying to keep it all together cuz the boys are running around not sure whats up(I was crying a bit though just not as hysterically as I wanted to LOL).

He then called over Connor and gave him a big hug and said he loved him very very much. Then Avery and then Devinn. When I handed him Devinn he grabbed him and said "my sweet, sweet Devinn" He's NEVER EVER EVER used those terms in our 7 yrs together.

I should note, he did all of this talking with his eyes closed. When calling for his mom or asking Why or saying NO he had tears streaming down his face but eyes were closed.

Anyway, back to the conversation. He then said Hillarie and I said "yes love" and he said I love you very very much. And then proceeded to tell me he was Susan(Dans mother) and that I wasnt to go to the hospital with him because it was a butcher shop and if he went he'd catch some kind of infection and die. That he needed aspirin and ice and he'd be fine. Then she/he made me promise to not take him to the hospital. I said I couldnt promise that because I was scared but Id try. I also said Robert was coming. He/she said Roberts coming? and I said yes he will be here soon and he/she said Robert will know what to do. "Susan" kept telling me that its happened to Dan before and Robert would know what to do. No hospital!

"Susan" said she could not see the future nor past just the here and now(dont know why it was said). Said he(Dan) would be alright.

I said well do you have a message for Robert and she said to tell him she loved him, always had and that she was sorry and never meant to hurt him(she disowned him over some hurtful actions on his part) and that she was always with him. I asked if she was watching over my boys and she said always. I should note that she, at this point, told me she had to go cuz it was too much of a strain on Dan to stay there. I said why not wait til Robert was here and then he pulled up.

Then Robert and his wife showed up. I told them what he had said when talking as if Susan. They were a little bit ummmm unnerved by it but blew it off and went to work helping me cool him down. Right after they showed up tho he grabbed Robert and told him what Susan had wanted me to tell him(said it as if still Susan I should say).

I have to tell you, while talking as Susan I had a sense of peace come over me and the panic and fear left. Why, I dont know but it did. So Im grateful for that delirious ummm "take over". I know most wont believe she was really here but I do. Things were said that I never knew(like him going through this before) and the way she talked to the boys isnt Dans normal thing.

I know being delirious can cause a lot of funny things to be done and said but I do think his mom was here. When your mind is so fried I think you can connect to the other side...but thats just me and I realize there is skepticism.

By 10am, after a cold bath and water being dumped on him and a period of fever down then spiking and him thinking it was 1993...he finally broke the fever.

He feels like he's been run over by 100 trains LOL but the fever is gone and he's back with us(so to speak). He has NO memory of the events between going to bed the night before and waking up in a tub full of cold water.

Robert said he doesnt need to know any of the stuff that went on during his feverish time so Ive not told him anymore than mumbling Why and NO and I promised he never said anything hurtful(which he didnt).

So that was my day. It was all done by 11am. He had a normal temp and was in and out of sleep the rest of the day.

Today, he's still feeling crappy and sleeping off and on. Im just glad the temp is gone even if a bit of the crud remains. His body went through a lot yesterday....he needs to rest!

Saturday, May 23, 2009


must life be such a pain one minute and joy the next?

Ok, so life has gone on like normal for the most part.

A week ago I see some surprising changes in Dan. He's more helpful and not so gloomy and down in the dumps(remember, he's got depression/anxiety disorder) and he wants to better himself. He apologized for not being the man I married,etc. Things Ive been waiting to see and hear from him forever!

Its been amazing and I shared a bit of that with some ladies Ive been chatty/friendly with for 4 yrs now. What happened taught me to not share so much which makes me sad.

One of the ladies got disgusted by stuff Dan had not tended to in a while that I mentioned he finally did and asked me to help remind him about,etc. She continued to wig on me despite what I said. Wondered if the kids and I took care of those things and she didnt understand why I wasnt grossed out by it. For a while I thought she was kidding but then it became evident she wasnt. So I asked her why she felt so "outraged" by it all when it had NOTHING to do with her or her life,etc. She then decided to tell me all she hated about me and my family and how lacking she found me when it came to certain things.

So, after a bit more than 4 yrs of being a member of that group and being a friend(so I thought) I left the group. I will not return.

Most of the ladies were on my Facebook page and I took that particular lady off my friends list that very day. The others I waited on to see what would be said, if anything, since the "attacker" and I were the only one on the board most of the day. I got 2 messages from 2 different ladies explaining how they found it bad what the "attacker" had done and inappropriate and they wished me well and hoped I would know they didnt all feel that way and that the other lady should have gone about it differently,etc.

The other ladies, although make comments on my daily wall sayings, have not mentioned the incident. Im a bit upset that these supposed friends havent come to my defense or said something to me like the 2 other ladies did but alas...such is the way of "true" friendship. Im sure they've forgiven the "attacker" and called me immature for leaving and all that. I know how they work....Im sure Ive become the bad one and that everything the "attacker" said was true even if she did go about saying it in the wrong way.

Ya, Im still a bit pissed about it all but whatever. I know my real friends and I know they understand why I feel the way I do on certain subjects and I know they get that some things people tend to do naturally becomes harder when you are depressed,etc. So those little things that we take for granted are BIG to them so when they start working on getting past it...it IS a HUGE deal and should be celebrated!

So we are BBQ'ing tomorrow with Dans brother and SIL. Those are our plans!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Bones Turns 5

My oldest baby turned 5 earlier this week.
I cant believe 5 yrs have already passed since he came into our lives.

He was born at 1228pm on a Tuesday. He was born with black hair that had these cool red highlights to it but within a couple of weeks it was gone and the blonde came in. I was bummed but such is life LOL.

He was an easy going child and I wish some of that would return. At about 17 mths the hell began and its still steamrolling across our family.

Now please dont mistake this for not loving him, it just makes him a difficult child to deal with. He's so smart you cant reason with him as he already knows but does it anyway. Nothing phases him as far as punishment goes(and we've tried it all). He just enjoys being mean to his brothers and mother and enjoys doing those things that will hit the button.

Despite his difficulty he's a loving child. He is big on being held and hugged and loves to learn. He will absorb anything you show him and is so inquisitive that he just never stops talking or asking questions. He wants answers even if you have none...best find them LOL. He loves to be read to and will probably be an avid reader once he starts doing so.

He's also very imaginative and comes up with the craziest scenarios that make you giggle by the bucketloads.

Anywho, we had a nice party for him that wasnt too much(we arent big party doers to begin with). He got his purple cake and some cool new coloring books(he loves drawing and coloring) and he got a paint book with watercolors and he absolutely LOVED it. First time he'd done it and he thought it was the coolest thing since being born LOL.

His name is Connor and he gave himself the nickname of Bones. So that is who he is and that is who we celebrated.